Can I ever experience this abundance of magic I feel inside me with another human being? I know I can express it through art, I know I can bring it into existence through a project, through an establishment, through sheer effort and determination. I have experienced it with a lot of work of art, with nature, with my dogs, all within me. So, I know for a fact that I’m not just being delusional.

Can something really be alive on its own? What if I achieved satisfaction, what if I manifest what I exactly envisioned; would that actually be enough? The first time I really got into BTS, and that even though we never meet what they’re doing is something strongly connected to my own life purpose. And I must emphasize that no one is seeing them the way I see them. Even these spiritual teachers I truly look up to cannot see the world the way I’m seeing it. Why? This beauty I see is just too painful and maybe, maybe it’s actually what keeps me going. It’s hurting, every bodies I have, all of my soul and being just fucking hurt but why, why am I still here? I’m full of hatred but I’m also full of love. I’m brimming with despair but I am also drowning in hope. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. UNDERSTAND. Can’t I just be one or the other???? Like normal human beings do?

I asked this question exactly two years ago; How can I self-destruct and honor and nurture who I am at the same time? Because I seem want to do both equally strongly. I already found the answer a few months ago, perhaps, the answer lies there.

But still, why do I want this to be acknowledged? Why do I want to be seen as I really am by at least one human being? Does an understanding spectator really necessary for our existence to be confirmed? Why? Just why?

It’s a lie. It’s not true that I have no need to be recognized because I obviously want to be. But why? Is this weakness that needed to be overcome or is it just being human? I do not know the answer and maybe the reason for me to still be here is to find that out.